Harry Potter, Lord of the Dance
by 8daisyduke8
Summary: Enter the world of Hogwarts, messed up and completly insane. You have got to be a raving lunatic to read this. I kid you not. Your I.Q. will most likly drop quite a few points, just so you know. INSANELY OOC
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

"Do you know why we are here?" Asked Professor Snape.

"To mate a poodle with a human?" Guessed Sirius.

Everyone just stared at Sirius for a while. He was very handsome for a complete moron.

"You!" Hermione started "you idiotic, moronic, dumbass. You are the biggest waste of a human body that I have ever had the displeasure of knowing." She ranted. Her face was turning very red very fast and she was starting to breath unnaturally heavily.

"We learned how to do that yesterday with Remus." Harry told him.

"Why is he even in this class? He died! He is not even supposed to be here! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY? Hermione continued.

"I don't know. Why the hell are you here Sirius?" Asked Ron.

"They were all out of cheese."

This seemed to be a good enough answer for everyone (except for Hermione who continued to rant about something that seemed to be about the ancient Aztecs) so they let it drop.

"I don't remember learning that." Stated Ron.

"Somehow none of us are surprised." Harry said.

"I think we should learn again" Said Ron. "I'll go get my lobster costume."

Hermione was so angry with Ron that she threw a book at his head and danced around the room singing the Macharena.

"Shut up! Deal!" Screamed Snape.

"Wow," commented Ron. "I didn't know she knew Portuguese!" Ron then turned to Harry. "Mum, what would you do if I were Swahili?" Harry thought about it for a moment.

"I'd kill a goat for you, and walk up an escalator…backwards!"

Snape was getting very angry at this point. He had absulutly no idea what the hell an escalator was and why Potter would walk up one backwards to show his affection for Ron. He started to cry tears of fury. The door opened and in walked Dumbledore wearing Ron's lobster suit and carrying Ron over his head like a trophy. "How is the pasta making class coming Severes?"

Snape started to cry again because that's what snape does, he cries.

Ron meanwhile was enjoying the ride. "wheeeee!" He exclaimed "it's like I'm flying!"

"PIE!" Screamed Dumbledore as he droped Ron and ran out the door to try and catch a gnome and stick it in his right shoe.

"Pie?" Asked Harry, finally relizing there were other people in the room. "Where?" I think I have the munchies." Hermione was starting to catch on. "Harry, have you been sniffing the flew powder?" She enquired.

"mmmaaaaaaaayyyyyyybbbbbeeeee" was the only reply she got.

"Sirius, I thought you were supposed to be watching him."

"Are you kidding? And let him have all the fun?" Said a very high Sirius. Sirius then had a brilliant idea, and I am sure you would think it was a good idea if you were anywhere near as high was Sirius is at the moment.

"everyone, everyone, I have a question. I'M PREGNATE!" The room went quiet then Harry burst out into congratulations.

"I have an announcement too." Said Harry excidedly.

"I would like to ask one Severus Snape a very important question. Snivelus, will you marry me?" Harry asked.

Snape and Sirius were both crying but for different reasons.

"That was sooooooo beautiful" Wailed Sirius.

"I hate you" Cried Snape. "I hate you with a passion!"

"Did you hear that Harry? Snape has a passion for you!"

"Oh no!" Screamed Hermione. "Are you high too?"

"No."

"Then why are you acting like Sirius and Harry?" She questioned.

"uhhhhhhhhhh…"

Snape sighed. "Does he really need a reason?"

"Fair point." Said Hermione

During this exchange Harry's eyes began to water. One lone tear fell down his face as he exclaimed, "YOU LOVE ME! YOU REALLY LOVE ME!" Pulling on a ballet tutu he pranced over to Snape and gave him the most unmasculine hug Hogwarts has ever seen.

"AHHHHHH" screamed Snape as he ran out of the room to go wash his hands in green Jell-O.

"Well," Said Harry. "I think that went quite well."


	2. Pomegranate

Chapter 2

Harry awoke with a start. "Harry!" exclaimed Ron. "Why did you awake with a start?"

"I forgot."

"Forgot what? Why you awoke with a start?" Asked Ron.

"No, no, no," Harry began. "I've forgotten what I forgot!"

"Why don't you go to the bathroom. I always do that when I've forgotten something."

"Good idea, does it work?"

"NO!"

There was a long pause. Ron broke the silence by whispering, "I have an idea!"

"Ron, why are you whispering?"

"Because Hermione told me that if I talk in more than a whisper while I tell an idea, You-Know-Who will disappear forever!"

"No." Said Harry.

"No what?"

"No, I don't know who"

Ron paused. "The guy who killed your parents and is after your blood, or the rest of it at least."

"Ohhhhhhh. Riiiiiiiiight. What were you saying?"

"I was saying, that Hermione told me that if I talk in more than a whisper while I tell an idea, You-Know-Who will disappear forever!"

"Wow. It's a good thing you caught that one. What is the idea?" Harry asked, also whispering now. But before Ron could answer, Hermione came in wearing leopard print boots that went to her knees, hot pink fishnet stockings, a red leotard, white satin gloves, and purple aviators. She had on black lipstick, and bright blue eyeshadow that went to her eyebrows. And she was wearing more 'bling bling' than Puff Daddy. What really made the entrance memorable was that she was riding on Luna's back while swinging a lasso above her head.

Harry saw them and squealed "POMEGRANATE!"

Ron began to clap. This was turning out to be one of the best days of his life. All it needed was everyone to sing a few rounds of 'There's a hole in my bucket', and all of his childhood fantasies would be complete. So he started to sing. Soon he was joined by Lupin and Harry. He was so happy that he knew that now he could die happy. Snape didn't care if Ron died happily, he just wished he WOULD die.

"So what's you're idea? You still haven't explained." whispered Harry.

"Oh yeah, I was going to suggest that you go ask your fiancée Snape what you forgot, he should know everything about your life." Whispered Ron

"Why are you guys whispering?" inquired Hermione.

"So Voldemort doesn't disappear!"

"Oh right, Ron's having an idea, it's hard to recognize, they arrive so infrequently."

"Yeah… Wait Ron, what did you just call Snape?" Harry asked.

"Your fiancée stupid!" Exclaimed Ron in a whisper.

Harry started to giggle, stupid wasn't his name, it didn't even sound like Harry. He then realized the seriousness of the situation. He had to do something about it. He must… TAP DANCE! Harry got on his tap shoes and tap danced up to Snape who was dressed as Neville's grandmother. He had decided that that lady had a hell of a sense of style.

"Are we… engaged?" asked Harry tentatively.

"No, I refused your offer, and became a cross-dresser."

"Thank you Captain Obvious," replied Harry who was downhearted about not even being able to get Snape. Yet he was also proud, he had driven a man to be gay.

AN) The brief mention of tap dancing is not the reason this fic is called Harry Potter, Lord of the Dance. Dancing is just a running theme that will play a more major part over the next few chapters.

And yes, I realize that all the characters are extremely OOC as has been pointed out to me. I already covered this in my profile.

TO BE CONTINUED! (You may or may not see this as a good thing.)


	3. The Hogwarts Past time

Chapter 3

"TOAST!" screamed Hermione randomly standing up and making referee hand signals. Snape burst through the door wearing a flattering shiny purple sequined ball gown, white gloves, a rhinestone tiara and a sash that said 'Jr. Miss Durham.'

"Was that my queue?" asked a frantic Snape.

"You're not from Durham!" exclaimed Harry. "But I like your dress."

No one else questioned why he was in a beauty pageant, but they were a little confused as to why it was a junior contest. But no one really cared enough to ask. After a few minutes of silence, a very high pitched scream was heard coming from the staff table. Everyone turned to find Dumbledore on his feet with his hands over his mouth.

"Holy cooking pans Batman!" Dumbledore shouted. "Snape is NAKED!"

Everyone looked at Snape, finding him still fully clothed (Draco was disappointed. As was Harry.)

"I'm in the nude, don't look!" shouted Ron, covering his own eyes. Everyone there was confused because Ron was also fully clothed. Hermione just shook her head. Didn't anyone realize that she really _was_ naked? Oh well. Harry was the only one who closed his eyes. Even fully clothed, Ron was one scary sight.

"WE'RE GOING TO BE ON TIME!" shouted Hermione. "WE… SHOULD… SLOW… DOWN!"

"Slide to the left…. Slide to the right. Take it back now y'all. Two hops this time, two hops this time." Whispered Ron.

"Ron," Harry said "What the bloody hell are you doing?"

"The Cha-Cha Slide!" Ron exclaimed.

"YAY!" Screamed Harry positively delighted, as he joined Ron.

"HOW IS THIS GOING TO HELP US SLOW DOWN!" screamed Hermione in question.

"Because, you have to 'take it back now y'all' so many times," retorted Ron as he took it back.

"OH, OK!" she yelled in reply as she joined them.

As they danced through the halls, people started to join them. The Cha-Cha slide ended, and the scene turned into West Side Story: A Hogwarts remake. The Gryffindor guys started singing "When You're a Jet," and then Hermione broke off and started singing "I feel pretty, and witty, and gay!" at the top of her lungs. At this point, Draco got mad.

"That is MY line woman!" Only problem is, no one was paying all that much attention to him.

Ron spontaneously started to sing "Bohemian Rhapsody."

"Mama, just killed a man!"

"RON, YOU JUST KILLED SOMEONE! AND NOW YOUR SINGING ABOUT IT! DON'T TELL YOUR MUM, SHE'S GONNA BE PISSED!" Exclaimed Harry, shocked at his friend. In his anger at Ron, Harry threw toothpaste to the ground. Hermione started to scream and run around in circles. "TOOTHPASTE ABUSE! TOOTHPASE ABUSE!" She screamed. Dumbledore came running in with a worried look on his face. "WHERE! WHERE IS THIS INJUSTICE BEING DONE!"

Everyone pointed at Harry who blushed and waved his fingers at Dumbledore.

"THIS IS HORRABLE!" Dumbledore continued to rant. "WE MUST RAISE TOOTHPASTY AWARENESS! EVERYONE, MAKE BADGES SINCE THAT SEEMS TO BE WHAT WE DO HERE AT HOGWARTS! AND LET US MAKE BANNERS! WE WILL STRIP OURSELVES OF OUR CLOTHES AND TIE THEM TOGETHER! THE LONGEST CLOTHES CHAIN EVER MADE!" After finishing this speech, Dumbledore ripped off his robe (don't worry people, he had a flowery dress on underneath) and ran down the hall waving it over his head.

After Dumbledore's departure, everyone just shrugged and started to spit on the walls.

Later that night, Hermione, Harry, and Ron were sitting in front of the fire in the common room, roasting their socks on skewers in the fire. Ron and Hermione were debating the importance of neo-Gregorian artwork in a bipartisan Charismacracy or Femtotheocracy. Harry was deep in thought as well. A few minutes later, Harry spoke up. "Guys, I wish I was an eel." Silence met this confession.

"Ok." Hermione said.

"Don't you want to know _why_?" Harry asked.

"Not really, no." Said Hermione.

"Ok." Harry started. "I want to be an eel because they can fly, they burst into flame and are reborn from the ashes when they get old, they can disappear in a flame, their tears have feeling powers, and then my name could be Oawkes.

"HARRY! YOU DUMBASS! WHY ARE YOU AS STUPID AS SERIOUS! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WERE YOU DROPED ON YOUR HEAD AS A BABY?" Hermione started to rant again. "WHERE THEY SHORT ON BRAINS WHEN THEY MADE YOU? MAYBE VOLDEMORT DIDN'T REALLY HIT YOU WITH THE KILLING CURSE, BUT THE 'HOLY-SHIT-I'M-AS-STUPID-AS-DIRT' CURSE!"

"That would be a phoenix Harry." Ron corrected as Hermione took a breath in the middle of her ranting.

"Oh. Ok!" Harry smiled.

"WHENEVER YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH, PEOPLE'S I.Q. PLUMMET IF THEY ARE STANDING WITHIN A QUARTER OF A MILE OF YOUR BIG, FAT, STUPID MOUTH! WHY DON'T YOU JUST DROP TO THE FLOOR AND DIE? HUH? OR ARE YOU TOO STUPID TO DO THAT?" Hermione was so busy freaking out that she didn't notice Ron and Harry leave to go try to catch their fart and paint it purple. The only person left in the common room was a scared looking first year who thought that the entire rant was directed towards him. He didn't understand because he was the smart kid in his class. Hermione decided that she should take a stand against stupid people. Inspired by Dumbledore, who could still be heard running around screaming about the injustice inflicted upon toothpaste, she was going to start the Society To Avenge British Hierarchy Against Radically Retarded Yugoslavians or the STAB HARRY club for short. It seems that nobody has yet informed the smartest witch in Hogwarts that Yugoslavia doesn't exactly exist anymore. But that wouldn't have made a difference to her anyway, because she was going to get to make badges, the Hogwarts past time.


End file.
